Among everyone, every culture, every economic standing, who in the country can really claim the title “privileged”? Who can really say, “I have such and such, therefore I am a person in state of advantage”? The United States government keeps saying that they are taking initiative to provide relief to the less fortunate of society today… but who are they talking a bout? Much research has been conducted to answer these questions. The updated “Beings of Prosperity” list is now available.
If you are the following things, you are considered privileged:

Poor

It is a real privilege to have no money. Just try to be poor. Go ahead. Try. It’s fucking hard isn’t? But once you are, it’s all up hill from there. You won’t have to worry about getting robbed. Who’s going to rob you? Add a little crazy eye twitching and they won’t even think about touching you. It’s true- poor folks have a longer life expectancy. And which circle of community is always in style? Only poverty- stricken citizens can pull off a old timey chef hat with paper bag trimming. Two words: food stamps. Way cooler than regular stamps. Moreover it’s a good excuse. “Why didn’t you have that report done for me Johnson?” “Oh, ’cause I’m poor.”

Ugly

Face it. There is always going to be someone uglier than you, but don’t fret, pretty people have fun, too. Who am I kidding? Looking like a fetus rules! People sympathize with you. They’ll say, “Awww, look at that possum.” Plus, you get free stuff: clothes, make- up, a new arm. I want to uglify myself just to get those free make-overs and then be on TV because if my exquisite transformation. And if you fall on your face in the middle of the crosswalk, it’s okay because a large percentage of the population is ugly, Therefore, if you do something embarrassing, no one will remember… or notice. And, it’s a fact, your chances of winning the presidential race… considerably high. It also makes for good justifications. “You’re a month behind on your taxes…” “The reason is I am ugly.”

Homosexual

Seriously, who here isn’t a homosexual? It’s just easier. It’s easier to find dates. Four out of every three people in this room are homosexuals. It’s easier to be secure about your looks you don’t have to worry about looking like a homosexual… cause you are! It’s easier to find people that see eye to eye with you, and everyone is on your side- Catholics, Asians, Leprechauns. Not only can you not get married, which is the grossest ritual ever, but you also can’t get preggers. Imagin that. You don’t have to deal with the little bratty consequences that might come out of lovemaking. (Lovemaking… the strangest word out of all the words that describe sex.) Also, which culture gets their own very own flag? Not Catholics. Not Asians. Not even leprechauns. Also, homosexuals are commonly called gays and that is the ultimate compliment, because gay rhymes with numerous cool things like gamma-ray, Saturday and Superman…ay. Besides, when people question why you are eating tree bark… you say to them with pride: “It is because I am a homosexual.”

Headless

It’s a privilege to have no head for obvious reasons.

Dinosaur

First of all, in teh age- old battle between ninjas, pirates, robots and dinosaurs, you’d win hands down. It is a privilege to hold that title. And when you eventually die, you are displayed in museums all over the world. You become a work of art, and why wouldn’t you be? Dinosaurs are sexy, sexy creatures. And just for the record, the first dinosaur to walk erect was Penisaurus Rex. Furthermore, cannibalism is widely accepted if you are a dinosaur. That alone makes me long to be a dinosaur every night before I go to bed. Plus you can take a dump anywhere you please. Plus you have scales, claws, and in recent studies, compassion. It does make a good defense when people say, “Hey, you missed your gyno appointment.” “Graaaaaaaaa.”

Dead

Death is the ultimate privilege. Taxes? Work? Pshhh. None. Many of us long to die because everyone just says such nice things to you when you die. So much praise and attention. Let me tell ya, it feels great. Here’s an example- take formerly- living political icon George Washington. At his funeral, they said he was the first president. The best president. The coolest president. Touches your heart, doesn’t? Isn’t a shame that you will probably miss your funeral though? And only just probably by a few days. Bonus: if you die stupidly, it will brighten someone’s day. That is good for humanity. However, dying by strapping yourself to a shark full of explosives while sky dying is not stupid: it is by far the most awesome. “You asshole, you slept with my sister and stole my silverware.” The dead do not have to reply.

In conclusion, if you are a dying, ugly, gay, poor, headless dinosaur… your life is set my friend. Your life is set.

Tags: essays