Assessing your child’s ability to achieve tomorrow, TODAY!

Dear Parents,

We here at ETS (Education Testing Services) are aware of your concerns about the newly restructured SAT (Standard Aptitude Test).  Since the SAT was first introduced in 1926, educators, students and parents have questioned the fairness of the test and its use in college admission.  We have received many complaints and we fully understand your concerns.  However, there is no need for you to worry about the new exam.  Perhaps you do not understand the reason for the chance.  It is our hope that this letter will inform you of why we have made the decision to change the SAT.

Now we will not only test you child’s vocabulary and numerical skills but all aspects of their knowledge.  We here at ETS feel that knowing some big words and fractions just doesn’t cut it in today’s competitive world.

“There is so much more to an 18-year- old American than their brains,” says child psychologist Dr. Borowskisteinlumburger, Ph.D.

The new questions have been formulated to eliminate bias based on race, gender and idiocy and to obtain a more fair evaluation of students’ personalities.

Without further ado, here are the four new sections:

1) The Survival Segment.  Inspired by the Worst Case Scenario books, this segment tests your knowledge of survival techniques.

A sample question:

If you’re in the middle of the woods and a shark comes up to you and takes a chunk out of your arm, what can you do to build a robot using only a paperclip and acorns?

This is one tough world.  Nothing is handed to anyone on a platter.  Therefore, if one had the skills to survive anywhere in any situation, then one can live through college.

2) The Face- Exchange Segment.  How well do students today understand the challenges facing those from other cultures and backgrounds?

A sample question:

If you were a French man on a unicycle with manatees as parents and a stop sign for a head, how would you react to the economic issues today?

This innovative section shows students that they must try to be in everyone’s shoes.  This prepares them to handle different cultures and also helps create open minds.  This will teach them the value of diversity, which will lead to less discrimination and therefore will help bring about a better world.

3) The Physical Segment.  Not only do we test your child’s spiritual strengths, but we will now test their physical strengths as well.  Does your child know how to climb, life and/or jump really, really high?  One hundred points easily achieved.

A sample question:

How quickly can you move the box in front of you, which contents unknown, five feet to the right?

Just think about this- the more courage one has… the less courage one needs.

4) The “Let’s see how many Nike sneakers you can make with your bare hands” Segment.

Pretty self- explanatory.  This section is sponsored by the Nike Corporation, and thanks to their sponsorship, the test is now administered free of charge!

The new SAT will take between 5 and 20 hours, depending on your Social Security number.  However, we understand that there are students who have advanced into adulthood a little too quickly with children of their own to take care of, part- time jobs to work and plants to water.  For this reason, we will now also provide the option of a 10- minute obstacle course that perfectly blends all four sections.

“It’s a test on life,” says Borowskisteinlumbuger.  Some might argue that 18-year-old American know nothing about life.  We at ETS disagree.  18 years is almost a quarter of a lifetime.  In 18 years, your child has experienced birth and little bit of life.  That is a lot, and here at TS we feel that it is necessary to emphasize all the experience they have gained in those years.

In addition, the new SATs will lower the teenage suicide rate thanks to its ease and will also solve the deterioration of the ozone layer.  Plus, the old SATs are as bland and predictable as a middle[ aged account, while the new SATs will be young, hip and all the rage in Milan.

Thank you for your kind attention.

Sincerely,
The people of ETS

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